‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.