Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean

“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”

– Abraham LinkedIn

WHY?!

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.

Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

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7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

Sharon I have some bad news

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

won’t smith

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.