Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

[Shopping with $100]

As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!

As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

Noah was an idiot.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.