What kind of a cult is this?
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me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.