Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”

Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

me: did you even eat lunch today?

10: yea

me: what’d you have?

10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat

me: your mom is gonna kill me.

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”

Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”

A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them