What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers