What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
💀💀💀💀
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?