Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

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He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

[shakes fist at other fist]

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.

I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.