What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
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Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
the short answer to this question
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Come back with a warrant
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol