What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
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god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better