What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
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Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face