Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

The United Steaks of America

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

There are two wolves inside you

webmd: wolf cancer

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

I wish I were this cool 😂

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!