Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it

[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

I don’t make the rules sorry

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

Finally! 😈

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

When a shoelace touches your ankle

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”

-Unorganized Crime

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.