Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…

Justice League, confused: So like, which half?

Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.