What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
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Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
🌱🌱🌱
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use