what kind of cook setting is this??
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great