what kind of cook setting is this??
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With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Thrilling chase underway
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The dark side of Canada
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.