what kind of cook setting is this??
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You saw nothing. I am ham.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
This meal prepping shit is easy
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee