What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
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The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
This came to me in a dream.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Me :
All Day At Night
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?