What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
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Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, Iβm a Cancer
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Losing weight doesnβt seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
thatβs not arthritis. Itβs early onset rigamortus.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
βSo he tells me heβs been grounded, and I says to himβ¦ I says Hank, itβs probably because of your bad altitude!β
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represenβ is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
βIβm sorryβ:
0:00πβββββββ0:06
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: β 5%β…butβ:
0:00πββββββββ70:28:54
β» β² β ‘ β³ βΊ
volume: βββββ ββ 100%
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
3: Daddy, please donβt do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like youβre jumping into a pool without the pool.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
