What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport