What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
A flock of dads is called a grill.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.