Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

no their not

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.