Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”

Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?