What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
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[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.