What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
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“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other