What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
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Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.