Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me:

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.