What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
You Might Also Like
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
#Caturday
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526