What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
money maker
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.