What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
You Might Also Like
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
is this store having a stroke wtf
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats