What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
you will never know the true number of layers
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I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking