Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard