Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

This is so me 😂😂

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆