Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

so much to do

this is literally a CIA plant

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

“My safe word was Worcestershire.”

— A ghost

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam