What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
You Might Also Like
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: