Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

kool-aid man: you’re grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.