Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!

2022: *Somehow already on fire*

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you

ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn