What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
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Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses