What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
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God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
It kinda feels like this rn
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
☠️☠️☠️
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.