Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’

detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?

me: i deleted it.

detective: why?

me: it was all grainy.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!