Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

me at a restaurant

waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

I was living in the moment until I was evicted.

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK