Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.

Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

me: you said you were going to clean your room

5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise

me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”

5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.