What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god