What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
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I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.