What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
