What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
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A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
my mind
You just read my mind
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’