What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
That’s it.I’m out.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.