What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
You Might Also Like
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Whoever ordered a white Christmas and had it shipped via FedEx, it’s finally out for delivery.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
British websites use biscuits.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?