What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
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I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.