what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
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I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.