What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Carpe DM
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside