*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
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I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
“wHaT’s thAt taTtOo gONna looK liKE wHEn ur oLd” have u seen what old ppl look like normally? im not worried about it
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.