What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
You Might Also Like
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.