me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…