What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
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Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?