Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

this made my day 😂

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.