What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
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News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo