Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.

have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough