What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Gas station lines at 2 am:
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*