What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
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The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?