“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
You Might Also Like
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
where do you see yourself in five years?
