What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
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I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.