What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
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So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?