What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
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I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that