Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

Woke up with morning Yule Log

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself