What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
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I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.