What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
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Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
wait.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.