What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
good work, detective
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.