What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
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His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
bears
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
What the dentist sees
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.