Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

doctor: do you drink alcohol?

me: yeah a couple times a week

doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”