What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
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*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent