What legos do when we’re not looking.
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My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.