What legos do when we’re not looking.
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Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.