Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

Growing up we didn’t have “influencers.” We watched a monster who binged on cookies and a pig who dated a singing frog. It was a simpler time.

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

Seductively sings in Klingon.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

I don’t need a mood ring, I have a face.

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.