Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.