What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
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Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.