Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

peep davidson

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…